Parenting Australia

GUILT by Sue Atkins, a Parenting Expert

Women seem to be programmed with it and it just holds us all back,keeps us stuck and is really anger turned in on ourselves as we findit difficult to ask for help, delegate parenting jobs or share ourneeds with others. It's also about wanting to be a perfect parent -who only exists in Hollywood film I'm afraid!

I So what is guilt?

Guiltis often a message from within that you have violated your own highstandards or others try to make you feel guilty as they may want tohave a hold over you even unconsciously.

Many parents suffer from whatI call "The BIG G" the gremlin of GUILT and it can come from workingparents feeling guilty about their work- life balance, to parentsfeeling guilty about losing their temper, not playing enough withtheir kids, to feeling guilty about not spending enough time withtheir partner, their elderly mother, or feeling guilty about beingseparated or divorced or having to leave work at 5.00 instead of 5.30to pick up their child from After School Care.

The list isendless.

Guilty feelings can come from within or be handed down to youfrom parents, teachers or people of influence when you were young orcan come from lack of self esteem or from controlling partners orex's.

Guilty feelings can also be tied up to feelings of remorse,regret and feelings of responsibility for others, or for situationsthat you find yourself in.

Guilt is also a feeling of struggling withwhat you "should," "ought" and must" do and it feels like a battlebetween what you "want to do" or "what you'd like to do" or "whatyou'd like to choose to do".

The feelings of guilt, regret and remorseare among some of the strongest and most powerful emotions that wemost want to avoid as they are so painful. They keep us stuck, keep ustrapped and keep us eddying around feeling like a victim because theyare so negative.

Guilt can make you become over responsible, strivingto make life "right" for everyone and can make you feel exhausted andoverwhelmed.

It can make you resentful, frustrated and helpless and canlead to depression, drinking too much or to great anger or rage.

It'salso sometimes about not feeling worthy or deserving enough and canlead to being a martyr.

Whatever brings up feelings of guilt for you –it keeps you stuck, disempowered and blocked and it often won't goaway by itself – it just grows, and gets stronger and can mislead ormisdirect you about moving forward in your life.

Often underneath thefeelings of guilt are irrational limiting beliefs that need to beshifted – things like:I don't deserve to be happy.

I am responsible formy family's (spouse's) happiness.

There is only one "right" way to dothings.

My children should never suffer in their childhood like I didin mine.

My kids should have more material things than I did.

It is myfault if others in my life are not happy.

If my kids fail in any way,it's my responsibility.

It is wrong to be concerned about myself.

Peopleare constantly judging and criticising me and what they think isimportant to me.

No matter what I do, I am always wrong.

Some parentssuppress it, some wallow in it and stay helpless and stuck, and someuse it as a huge level for positive change.

Here are my suggested steps to overcome guilt.

Acknowledge that you have it

Take control and don't keep going over and over it again and againinside your head - let it go.

Go for a walk, bang a pillow, scream in the garden, hit a round ofgolf and get it out of your body once and for all.

Don't allow it to turn into feelings of inadequacy.

Grab a piece of paper and a pen and just reflect on the role guilt isplaying in your life at the moment by choosing a current problem andanswering the following questions:

What problem is currently troubling me?

Who is responsible for the problem?

Whose problem is it, really?

What have I done to make this problem worse for myself?

How much guilt do I feel about this problem on a scale of 1- 10? (10being the highest)•How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem?

If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?

Now just relax and breathe deeply and slowly and imagine I have justwaved a magic wand and made the feelings of guilt disappear. What doyou see now, hear now, and feel now?Now just ask your unconscious what small change you need to make tofeel more in control of your life this week.

Ask yourself does thisproblem have more than one solution?

Do I just need to express myfrustration and ask for support, help or a helping hand?

Whoseproblem is it, really?

Is it my problem or actually someone else's?

Am I taking on another's responsibility and not allowing them toexperience being independent?

Am I trying to keep another fromexperiencing pain, hardship or discomfort?If you discover that theproblem is really someone else's, give the problem back to the personto solve and to deal with. It's not your responsibility.

Now imaginethat "guilt" as an object that you can take out of your body and canpackage up in a lovely box. Give it a colour, texture and feeling andnow imagine climbing to the highest mountain you can find and throwingit off a cliff for good.

Feel lighter? Good – now every morning andevening just before you brush your teeth – look in the mirror and saysome positive affirmations to yourself regularly to build yourconfidence and empowering muscles and say things like:

I am grounded,centred, positive and happy with myselfI make good decisions for thehighest good of everyone – including myself I deserve to solve thisproblem positively I deserve to be kind and forgiving of myselfIdeserve to do my best and feel good about my decisionsI deserve tohave other people be good to you, too!If you learn to see guilt as away to help you towards making changes in your life – then it has apositive intention.

Guilt is there to allow you to learn from your mistakes, to takecontrol of your life and to help you keep up to the standards andvalues that you have set for yourself in life.

So master its message and move forward driving forward in your life –not looking back in the rear view mirror.

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Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Broadcaster, Speaker and Author ofthe Amazon best selling book "Raising Happy Children for Dummies" onein the famous black and yellow series and the highly acclaimedParenting Made Easy CDs. She has also just launched her 1st ParentingMade Easy app for iPhones and iPads.

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