Getting Past Bedtime Problems Bedtime can be an issue in every household with children, with all the excuses in the world dragged out as to why there is no need to go to bed.Mark and Kim, who had two boys aged 6 and 4 years, had heard all these excuses; from not being tired, to needing an extra hug! Kim was exhausted by this as she was often on her own at bedtime for the boys. She was up and down the stairs all evening, going between the boys and their various requests. By the time Mark walked in the door Kim was very stressed and the boys were still awake. The next morning was also a problem because the boys refused to get up, complaining they were tired. Kim said she had lost count of the times she had explained to them why they were tired and frustrated that it didn’t make any difference to their behaviour that evening. Something like 40 per cent of children have a problem going to sleep and become extremely clever at avoiding or delaying bedtime, at some stage of their childhood. Before we assume bedtime problems are not normal, or a result of slack parents, we need to think about the different developmental ages of children and how this affects their bedtime performances. Developmental differences When children are 12-30 months they may find it difficult to separate from their parents at any time, not just bedtime. Around 2-3 years, children start to worry what will happen to their parents when they go to sleep. This is especially important to children who may have experienced waking up and their parents not coming to reassure them, which could be a result of parenting styles or different carers e.g. grandparents or babysitters. I also have a number of clients whose children are adopted and never had the chance to form a real bond with a carer in their early months of life. Some of these children find any separation difficult, including sleep. As children get older, about 5-6 years old, they start to imagine monsters might come into their room in the dark. Once at school children might have worries that keep them awake. Watching the TV or playing rough games too close to bedtime may also overstimulate them so they simply can’t calm down. Mark, Kim and I went through all these scenarios and none of them seemed to fit their boys, so we needed to think about what else might be going on in the household. Bedtime We discussed what time the boys went to bed, and it appeared it depended on what was happening that evening - if it was a school night or not and if friends were visiting. Sometimes the boys would fall asleep on the lounge and be carried into bed, only to bounce back to their energetic selves the minute their parents sat down! There needed to be more consistency and structure around the evening to enable the boys to have a clear message concerning bedtime. We also talked about the general limit setting and boundaries that surrounded the boys daily. When it all began The eldest boy had frequent temper tantrums when he was about two and the couple thought he would “grow out of them”. However that didn’t happen and the younger son started to copy these tantrums. The tantrums got worse and before long, it seemed that if the boys were asked to do anything they didn’t want to do a tantrum followed. Kim often gave in as dealing with them both was just exhausting. What to do We developed new strategies to help the boys understand boundaries. Next, a bedtime routine was developed and carried out consistently, in order that the boys got used to the signals that came before bedtime. For example, teatime, into the bath and then pyjamas, followed by quiet play, no more TV, a warm drink, teeth cleaned and into bed. Although a time for bed is important, eg bed by 7pm, the routine around bedtime is more important when trying to change habits and create new structure. When they were in bed Liz would read them one story each, and no more, no matter how many pleads! If either of the boys got out of bed to come to ask for something they were to be given minimal attention and taken straight back to bed, tucked in and told “goodnight”. Children really don’t need a drink, or the toilet, to tell you something important, or even “just one more kiss”. The minute you give in to one of these they will do it again and again! Mark and Kim tried this strategy for two weeks and returned to tell me how they were getting on. It worked! Two weeks later things were more manageable - not perfect, but a bit better. They said they had taken a long, hard look at what was happening at home and could see how their inconsistency between what each other allowed the boys to do, and lack of routine had contributed to the bedtime problems. Kim found it easier to be firm with the boys now she felt more in control. She made sure they had a 10-minute warning before it was time to have a bath and start the night routine. After that it didn’t matter what excuses they came up with, she stuck to what she said! Boys will be boys, and they tried all sorts of tricks, but Kim won and most evenings the boys were having their story by the time Mark got home. Mark agreed he wouldn’t get them all excited again; if he did then he had to take over and settle them whilst Kim went to sit down for a well deserved rest! If you are having problems like this at home, try the above suggestions and stick to it for three weeks. You should see a difference. For more information about STAMP OUT, or to read other articles by Laura Kiln, visit www.stampout.com.au About the author Laura Kiln (PgDip (CBT) (Child & Adolescence), BSc (Hons), RN, RM, RHV, NP, MHN) has more than 20 years experience in working with children, adolescents and their families and she is recognised internationally as an expert in the field of parenting. Laura lives and works on the NSW Central Coast after moving to Australia from the UK, where she worked in London at the Institute of Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Having four children herself, Laura understands the demands and dramas of raising a family! Laura established STAMP OUT to help parents and children. She uses a variety of techniques, including cognitive behavioural therapy, workshops, groups and individual sessions, in a comfortable relaxed environment where kids and/or their parents can discuss problems away from the stigma that can be attached to seeking help.
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