Your message just came through to my email - it's been a long time since I wrote this post! Thanks to all who replied...
We were given a real parenting gift when I stumbled across "The Aware Baby' book when my first was about 15 months old. I wish we had discovered it earlier but better late than never.
I really recommend it as a read...it will either resonate with you or not, but the basic message is that when a baby cries they need their mum or dad, or whoever the primary care-giver is, and when we don't respond to their cries, they eventually stop crying because they learn that no one is going to come - basically they give up. Advocates of controlled crying believe that the crying stops because, well I'm not sure what they believe actually.
Anyway, good luck with your parenting journey