Dealing With Rough Behaviour

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By Amanda Gray

Your child is not a “bad” child

When children hurt others it can be distressing for everyone. If a child often uses rough play or grabs, hits, pushes or bites they are at risk of being ostracised or labelled as the “naughty kid”.

But the truth is that there is a reason for the behaviour. And it is the behaviour that is unacceptable, not the child.

The first step in changing your child’s behaviour

Punishment, reasoning, time out…. All these things may not work if we don’t first identify the reason why the child is behaving in this way. There are a number of things we need to think about.

Egocentrism:

Very young children need help to develop empathy, or the ability to “read” others’ emotions. For the most part, they are focused on their own needs and wants. But by preschool they should be developing this ability.

For example, a toddler may grab a toy away from another child. This is not uncommon. However, if a three or four-year-old does the same thing, then it is cause for concern. For this child it is even more important that they be taught to share and care about other’s feelings.

Children at risk of finding it difficult to understand how others might feel include children with Autism or Aspergers Syndrome. They may find it difficult to look at and interpret other people’s facial expressions and body language.

Children with other developmental delays may also need help in developing this skill.

Impulsivity:

In very young children, impulsively grabbing a toy or hitting out to protect themselves is related to egocentrism, or the focus on their own needs and wants. But, again, as the child starts to learn the skills of empathy and understanding emotions they should also begin to develop self-control.

A child who is impulsive may react to feelings of anger or frustration by hitting out at the cause of those emotions. Or they may have a temper tantrum. Again, this is relatively common in very young children as they become more independent. But, as they grow and develop, with our help and support, they should also become more controlled.

Each individual child will develop at a different rate depending on their personality and the environment in which they live. But by the time they reach three or four years of age you should rarely see temper tantrums and other uncontrolled displays of emotion.

Children with ADD, ADHD or other learning difficulties are likely to struggle with self-control. They may need to be taught how to manage their emotions, and how to be patient and take turns.

Inadequate Language

Very young children may not have the words to communicate what they need or want, so they use other ways of communicating. For example, when it comes to needing a toy they may just take it because they don’t have the words to ask for it.

As language develops, this type of behaviour should diminish. But we need to be conscious that sometimes even a four-year-old’s language isn’t enough to communicate what they need or want. Sometimes children who have very active and creative minds can find it highly frustrating when they can’t communicate what is in their heads.

We also need to be aware that children with hearing impairments or other language delays are more likely to behave roughly because they can’t communicate their needs and wants.

The need for attention

Contrary to what you might have heard, a child’s need for attention should not be punished. They need attention for a reason.

For example, in a busy and noisy setting you might find your usually quiet and caring child begins to do unexpected things like biting or hitting. This may be a reaction to their fear of being disconnected from you.

Other children may behave this way because they are tired, teething, unwell, in pain or discomfort, or dealing with significant emotional issues such as a new baby, new home, separation or divorce, or other life changing events.

Children with sensory integration disorderor sensory integration dysfunction can display harmful behaviours in response to their difficulties coping with noise, touch, taste, smells or sights. Instead of hurting others, they may hurt themselves.

This behaviour is not acceptable, but it should be seen in the context of the child’s needs. It may be that you need to stay physically close to child for a time. You and/or the child’s carers may need to set a routine time in the day to play with them and read them a story one-on-one. For children who are finding it difficult to cope with the busy-ness of sights, sounds, smells or touch, you may need to have a safe space they can retreat to when distressed.

In conclusion?

This is by no means a comprehensive list of why a child might be behaving roughly. However, I hope it is a beginning. Until we understand why the child is behaving a certain way, it will be difficult to change their behaviour.

Author:

Amanda Gray

Special Education and Early Childhood teacher, lecturer and writer

www.learn2bebuddies.com.au and www.learn2bebuddies.blogspot.com