Stamping Out Bad Behaviour in Public Places

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Stamping Out Bad Behaviour in Public Places
By Laura Kiln, STAMP OUT Creator

When your child behaves badly in public you might feel that everyone is looking at you and you want to hide because nobody understands what you are going through.

I’ve spoken with many parents who have experienced bad behaviour from their children when they take them out, so you are not alone.

Lisa came to me after trips to the supermarket had become unbearable with her two young sons. They were so badly behaved that she was embarrassed to take them, often leaving early without most of the shopping she needed. She had started going late at night when the boys were in bed, however she was so exhausted after a day with them, that shopping at 10pm was the last thing she felt like doing!

Why do children save their worst behaviour for public places?
Taking children shopping, out for a meal or to the doctor can be an exasperating experience for any parent. We’ve all seen three-year-olds having tantrums in the supermarket because they can’t have the lollies they have seen on the shelves?

Children’s behaviour seems to get worse in public places for a variety of reasons. It may well be that the adults get too involved with their shopping list, or are too busy chatting to their friend during a meal out, that they fail to notice their quiet well-behaved child. When this happens the child simply thinks to himself, “I will misbehave and then she will notice me”.

Children learn from a very early age that often the best way to get an immediate reaction from Mum or Dad is to do something naughty - think how often we say to our children, “no, don’t do that”. Parents who pay attention to bad behaviour, whilst ignoring the good behaviour, teach their children that bad behaviour earns them more of a pay off.

Another reason children behave badly in public places is they are bored of shopping or meeting a friend of Mummy’s for morning tea. It is unrealistic to expect a four-year-old to remain quiet and focussed during a two-hour shopping trip around the sales, or even a quick hour for a coffee and gossip!

Misbehaviour happens because most children have limited experiences of learning how to behave in public. If they misbehave and the behaviour escalates into tantrums it is likely that their parents will become annoyed and embarrassed and may deal with the tantrum in a different way than they do at home.

This teaches the child that public tantrums end with them getting what they wanted so as to avoid a fuss. Shops are full of temptations for children and a ready audience to make their parents feel guilty or judged. Therefore, they will do it next time they are out. Children are very fast learners!

What can I do to help my child learn to behave in shops?
Lisa and I solved her shopping problems through a number of methods. We decided doing the weekly shop was such a nightmare for her, that the best way to help was to change the experience for everyone into a positive one.

Children need help to learn new skills, and it is vital that this is done in as relaxed a manner as possible. Therefore Lisa set up ‘dummy shopping trips’, where she only went into the shop to buy six things.

She explained to the boys first that they were going to introduce a new system to the shopping trip. The goal was to teach the boys new behaviour and reward it. Each boy chose a bag of chips to have if they succeeded. They each had to stay by her side as she walked along the first aisle, not picking things off the shelves or running away. As soon as one of the boys behaved well, e.g. walking nicely, she praised that behaviour and made sure she explained exactly what had pleased her. As they got to the end of the aisle she praised them again and gave them a token to hold onto. This continued as she got the six items she came for. All the time she was praising the boys for behaving nicely, and adding to their token collection.

Once the items had been purchased Lisa allowed the boys to trade their tokens in and have their chips. This provided the boys with the opportunity to learn what behaviour their Mum wanted and, trip-by-trip, the shopping list got longer and the boy’s behaviour was better.

For more information about STAMP OUT, or to read other articles by Laura Kiln, visit www.stampout.com.au

About the author
Laura Kiln (PgDip (CBT) (Child & Adolescence), BSc (Hons), RN, RM, RHV, NP, MHN) has more than 20 years experience in working with children, adolescents and their families and she is recognised internationally as an expert in the field of parenting.

Laura lives and works on the NSW Central Coast after moving to Australia from the UK, where she worked in London at the Institute of Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health.

Having four children herself, Laura understands the demands and dramas of raising a family! Laura established STAMP OUT to help parents and children. She uses a variety of techniques, including cognitive behavioural therapy, workshops, groups and individual sessions, in a comfortable relaxed environment where kids and/or their parents can discuss problems away from the stigma that can be attached to seeking help.

Johanna Baker-Dowdell
Strawberry Communications
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