From Terror to TriumphToddlers, babies, school-age – at whatever stage in life they are, children’s behaviour can baffle and maybe even alarm us. On the flip side, their behaviour also has the capacity to surprise, delight and amaze us. Accessing that capacity for loving, caring and thriving that exists in every child that has been my key to smoother sailing.
It was probably at the stage of toddler tantrums that I reached for a book with a captivating title Connection Parenting; Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear by Pam Leo. What I got out of that book is that by taking time to observe the children when they are at their happiest, and importantly reflect upon when I am at my happiest with them, has served up many lessons that no degree in child psychology could have taught me. Lesson #1 Connection is key. Giving priority to connecting with the children, listening to them, talking with them, interacting with them beyond what needs to happen to make it through a meal time or get out the door in time is what strengthens the connection between us. It meets their needs to be close to us, to share in our activities, and to have their parents interested in them, and to feel loved. Lesson #2 Proactive is better than reactive. See connection above? That’s proactive. That’s the stuff that fills them up. Do that and they don’t run on empty. When they’re running on empty is when the ‘bad’ behaviour shows up. Then what do we do? We react. It’s been better for everyone when none of us are running on empty. Lesson #3 ‘Bad’ behaviour = unmet need. Wow, hasn’t that been a revelation! To observe a child’s behaviour and remove judgement and instead insert what is the unmet need here? has put me in a much more helpful head space to find a solution to a problem. Lesson #4 Get rid of fear. Time-out, naughty corner and doing a countdown to an expected behaviour one…two…three did not produce lasting and repeatable results. It may have worked for the short term, but not the long term. If I looked at my children’s faces at those times, what I saw was fear; in those moments they were scared of me. Fear degrades connection and the trust that comes with it. Why should I expect cooperation from someone who does not trust me? At some point I realised I was also a bit scared of the children! Parenting through anxiety of and for them. Threats, coercion and bargaining are all signs of that. Getting rid of those behaviours of mine, and replacing them with connection and building trust is something do-able and it got results. I liked this quote from the book - “We can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.” These are just a few lessons I’ve collected along the way, that have made growing up my children the amazing journey I had hoped for. Often I feel I don’t have the answers but I soon figure out these two small people before me offer them in abundance. What discoveries have you made that make the parenting journey that little bit easier? .........................................................................................
Mihiri Udabage is a 30-something mother of two, now feeling old enough to use terms like 30-something. She loves Sundays more than Saturdays but is grateful for both. She hates ironing. In between growing up two little citizens, Mihiri spends time working on her on-line Fair Trade and Organic business www.generationwonder.com, volunteering for global charity Room to Read, doing canteen duty at school, and entering Fun Runs she has no hope of actually running. Mihiri has a husband who thinks she is loopy but who supports her anyway. She wishes she had written Twilight but acknowledges that could never happen because she can never remember her dreams. However, Mihiri is about to enroll is a screenwriting course that will see her to write a movie that will knock Twilight for a six. Mihiri continues to dream… 3 CommentsFeedAdd Comment |
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Wednesday, 28 April 2010
I'd say the biggest tip I can offer is consistency. It's also one of the hardest things to follow through on, and one I still battle daily.
Keep the basic rules (courtesy, no hitting, no saying things that will hurt people's feelings or whatever) absolutely immutable. They are non-negotiable. Once the kids get out of the habit of even trying to sneak anti-social behaviour in then they seem to lose the habit altogether.
I have also been known to point out and discuss anti-social behaviour in public or on TV - point out the behaviour that you don't like, explain why you think it's negative and ask for your children's thoughts.
They can sometimes be quite amusing!
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
Monday, 03 May 2010
It's a tough time with a newborn and a toddler isn't it? I have to admit, for the first few months I did the basics with the baby(feed, put to sleep, cuddle etc) and really tried to stay connected with the older one. At these times, Dad or grandparents can really shine too and can take a lead role in keeping the older one connected and 'filled up', or can help you out with the household stuff so you can still have time and energy for your oldest child.
Remember that you are all adjusting to being a family of four now, and everyone's roles will shift a bit and settle down in time.
All the best.