Parenting Australia

I’m a firm believer in boundaries.  With a background in education, I understand how necessary they are for children’s safety and also for their sense of security.  I’ve never been afraid to say no, and I try to make sure that when I say no I mean NO.

Over the last few months though I have found myself saying NO an awful lot.  You see, my baby boy has become a toddler.  A happy, curious, climbing, exploring, rough-and-tumble, adventurous, fearless little boy.  I wouldn’t want him any other way, but sometimes I find myself saying no, no, no, NO!  To be completely honest, yesterday I was so relieved when it was finally lunch time because I could strap him into the high chair and restrain him for a while!

He is certainly different from his sister.  She was always on the go too, but at the same age she was less physical, more easily distracted and certainly less likely to push boundaries.  I’m not sure whether that’s a personality difference, gender difference or a bit of both.

I was speaking to a mum friend this week who has an equally rambunctious boy a little older than mine.  It seemed we had both been pondering a similar question.  Were we saying NO too much, and were we unintentionally squashing or limiting our boys?  While we had a cuppa and watched our boys play we talked about the kind of men we want them to one day become, and the kind of parenting that might require.
I want my son to be independent.  I want him to know how to control his own body.  I want him to understand his capabilities, and his limits.  I want him to trust himself.  I want him to respect others.  The truth is, in order for him to learn some of those important things I’m going to have to back off a little.  I still want him to be safe, but there’s no need for cotton wool.   
As a result I’ve decided to let go of some of my NOs.  Before I let the word slip out of my mouth here is the mental checklist I’m going to run through:

•    Is he going to seriously injure himself?
•    Is he going to hurt someone else?
•    Is he doing something highly inappropriate?
•    Is he going to cause costly damage?

I suspect that we have become a generation of parents who are afraid to let our children get hurt.  Of course, none of us want our kids to be seriously injured – but didn’t you climb trees?  And fall off monkey bars?  Didn’t you have some spectacular highs and equally spectacular falls?  And didn’t your scratches and bruises and even broken bones heal?  Most of the time little bodies mend remarkably.
Please don’t misunderstand me.  Our children are precious and as parents we have a duty of care.  I just wonder if in an attempt to protect our kids we sometimes shelter them too much.  For example, my son’s favourite things to do in the backyard are to climb our rock wall, and play with sticks.  I have said no to both of these activities at times.  Why?!  To protect him from some bruises and a couple of splinters?  When I look at these activities objectively I can see more good than harm is likely to come from them. 
So, from now on if I don’t have a good reason for saying no, I’m going to try to zip my lip.  I’ll keep watching, because he’s still little, but I’ll try to make sure that the boundaries I set for him are ones that really need to be there.

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Catherine Oehlman is a SAHM currently being raised by a terrific toddler and a curious crawler. Her background in primary education, love of the mothering journey and compulsion for writing collide on her SquiggleMum blog. Cath encourages other parents from all walks of life to maximise the time they spend with their children.

7 Comments

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1. katepickle makes this comment

   Wednesday, 10 March 2010

   I think this is a wise lesson learnt... especially when your 17 month old becomes a 2.5 year old and the mere thought of the word no has him dissolving into tears...
   
   In the past I found myself saying no to my boy often because I was worried what others would think if I let him do x y or z.... I've found some confidence on that front now and find just watching, listening and being there a MUCH better way than 'forbidding'. It makes the times I say no much easier for us all to deal with (especially me!) and a good healthy "Stop" works wonders when used when you really need it!

2. jacqueline Hanna makes this comment

   Wednesday, 10 March 2010

   2 boys one 4 years old and one 15 months old, I fear as well that with boys we may expect them to behave like girls - that is that boys wont sit still they will be more physical and yet when we see little girls playing so nicely with dolls and sitting doing puzzles we somehow translate that to why arent our boys playing nicely like that. Its been a real mental shift for me - coming from a family of girls. My boys are rambunctious and loud ( sometimes) and they do sit still sometimes. But I am trying to make sure I let them be boys and play in mud and throw and hit things( have discovered that as they get older - when they get angry boys like to hit, kick and throw) and be physical, as well as loving books and reading and all that stuff as well.

3. dana makes this comment

   Wednesday, 10 March 2010

   you are so right! boys are so different than girls--more active, less likely to be distracted, bigger risk takers, less impulse control! my little guy is almost 4 and a half, i find that about every 6 months or so, it's a huge growth spurt in maturity or independence!

4. Claudette makes this comment

   Thursday, 11 March 2010

   I am a mum of a VERY physical (almost) 3 year old, who will tackle anything his 5 year old sister does (and more). While I think I have been pretty calm about his forays into the natural and built environments (like staying calm when at 18 months he climbed a 4m ladder against the house to 'feed the birds'), I also wondered where the boundaries should be. I love your list of mental questions and think they are an important checklist for anyone hoping to raise strong, aware and self-confident children (of either gender).

5. Carole Disseldorp makes this comment

   Thursday, 11 March 2010

   Sounds very reasonable and sensible to me.
   Suggesting an alternative that is similar often works a treat eg. going to the park if a child is climbing everything in the home.
   We can also make the activity safer or more socially acceptable too. eg. giving a soft hockey stick or ball instead of the hard version.
   We can also check to make sure that the equipment they are about to play on is safe.
   We can also distract them by suggesting a fun activity or some food.
   Young children don't always fully understand our explanations, but it is wise to always give a reason, in a firm voice, when we want them to change what they are doing.

6. Caroline Webster makes this comment

   Friday, 12 March 2010

   Best post you've done yet Cath. Bravo you. xx

7. SquiggleMum makes this comment

   Friday, 12 March 2010

   Thanks so much for your comments and support everyone. It's so nice to hear from other mums with active boys, and to know that (A) my boy is normal and (B) my mothering is ok too!
   
   Carole thanks for the reminder about suggesting similar alternatives. This is a great strategy for all kids, but especially for boys.

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