Parenting Australia

Avoiding Early Bullying

Getting my daughter ready to start kindy in a few months time involves more than just buying her a cute backpack. She needs to be able to listen and follow simple instructions, recognise her name so that she can identify her own things, and take care of toileting and hand washing just to name a few!  But perhaps more importantly, she needs to be prepared socially and emotionally, and she needs to be able to interact positively with other kids. As a teacher I was always concerned about bullying.  As a mother I’m concerned too.

Children who are resilient, have good self esteem and have friends are highly unlikely to be targeted by bullies in the early years.  So how do we build those skills into our three and four year olds?

Good self esteem starts earlier than that. As parents we need to be aware of the impact our words have on our children. They need to learn from a young age that they are special and valued simply because of the unique person they have been created to be. Self worth is based on who you are, not on what you do. For that reason, when our kids are out of line it’s better to criticise the behaviour (“You need to sit in time out because hitting is not ok in our house”) rather than the child (“You need to sit in time out because you’re a naughty boy”). The same is actually true of praise as well. It’s better to praise good behaviour specifically rather than telling your child they are a “good girl”. Self esteem starts at home.

The ability to be able to make friends is important. Friends stick together and stick up for each other, so kids with friends are less likely to be targeted by bullies. It’s often said that to have a friend you need to be a friend, so we need to teach our children what it means to be a friend to someone else.  We can model this with our own adult friendships. Being a friend also involves social skills like sharing, using manners, taking turns, and even doing what someone else wants to do. These skills don’t usually come naturally, but the kids who learn them early often make friends early too.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back when things don’t go well, and it’s a skill required throughout life. The SA Government has a great kids page about resilience that’s worth a look.  (http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetailsKids.aspx?p=335&np=287&id=1758)  It talks about feeling good at home and at school, and the importance of positive self talk.

Bullying is about power. One person has it, and the other doesn’t. Bullies look for an easy target because the power shift is already in their favour. A child who feels good about themself, bounces back easily and has a friend by their side is powerful indeed. If they are on the receiving end of bullying they are likely to say “That’s not very nice,” shrug it off, and keep playing with a friend. The bully is unlikely to stick around. There are bullies at all ages and stages of life – at 3 years, 13 years and 30 years. We might as well prepare our kids to deal with them early on!

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Catherine Oehlman is a SAHM currently being raised by a terrific toddler and a curious crawler. Her background in primary education, love of the mothering journey and compulsion for writing collide on her SquiggleMum blog. Cath encourages other parents from all walks of life to maximise the time they spend with their children.

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