Parenting Australia

Molly-coddling, Interfering, Helicopter Parents

Wikipedia defines helicopter parenting as, “a colloquial, early 21st-century term for a parent who pays extremely close attention to his or her child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them and will not let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not”.

I have two sons – Noah, 3, and Ethan, 5 months. While I am definitely a protective parent, I wouldn’t say I am so bad that I could be accused of rejoining the umbilical cord. There are plenty of parents who tend to err on the side of control freak, but do we have good reason for this?
Johanna Baker-Dowdell

How many of us think fondly back to long summer holidays where we’d finish breakfast, threw on our shoes and told mum we’d be back later, exploring the back yard/park/bush/beach/cul-de-sac for hours? That innocent play is not something I would allow my sons to do, in fact I panic if I can’t see them, because the streets are no busier than they were when I was a child, we know more about adults preying on children, kidnapping is more prevalent and so on. All these things existed when I was a child – and when my parents were children – but life just doesn’t seem as safe now. Do we need to be helicopter parents, or just be a bit protective?

While not indicative of society today, one particular event springs to mind while writing this post. Last year I watched my eldest son, then just over two, as he was bullied by two older boys. Noah was playing on the slide in the playground, waiting patiently to take his turn behind other children. The two older boys kept pushing him out of the way. Initially I let it go as I thought Noah needed to learn to stand up for himself. After all, what kid wants their mum checking up on how safe they are for the rest of their lives?

I watched the boys push my son several times before I asked them to let him have a turn, which they did grudgingly. However, while Noah was on the slide the bigger of the two boys came down directly behind him and kicked him off the bottom. Noah was upset by this, but I encouraged him to have another turn, not wanting him to give in so easily. I thought my presence next to the steps would be enough to deter the bullying. As he climbed back up to the slide Noah was blocked by the bigger boy telling him, “you’re too little to be playing here, so get off”. This taunt was accompanied by another shove.

I decided this had gone too far and asked the bigger boy to point out his mother to me. I explained what had happened to her and she asked her son if he had done these things. Of course he said “no”. She went back to her coffee, leaving me feeling livid and annoyed. If Noah had behaved like this I would want to know, even though I would have been embarrassed to find out.

On retelling this story to other parents I had reactions spanning the entire spectrum – some thought I was crazy and idiotic, others agreed with my course of action. This is the only time I’ve ever spoken to another parent about their child’s behaviour, and I thought it was warranted at the time. I consider myself to be fairly easygoing as a parent, not controlling – Noah plays in the mud, is allowed to use hammers and drills, runs at top speed, explores trucks and bulldozers whenever he has the chance, but I draw the line at some things, like bullying, and will defend my right as a parent to complain. I accept Noah does - and will do - things I wouldn’t condone, and would respect someone for telling me so I could deal with the behaviour.

I’m not sure this one event makes me a “helicopter parent”, but it does pose the question, is my generation of parents over-protective? I know lots of people, including myself, who used to play for hours unsupervised as long as their parents knew where they were, but would never let their children do the same. I think this is because we have more to fear than our parents did.

Are we molly-coddling our kids or reacting to today’s more complex world? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Johanna Baker-Dowdell is mum to two boys – Noah and Ethan – and combines looking after them with her work as a blogger, journalist, writer and public relations consultant. She owns and manages Strawberry Communications which started small in the third bedroom, but has grown into its own office space (in the converted garage).

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